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[Guest Post] Discovering the Power of Yoga In Eating Disorder Recovery

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Yogi in Recovery – Living the Downward WolfeDog Life by Bonnie Wolfe

image of Yoga for Eating Disorders

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day; I stopped, looked at myself and thought, ‘Wow you look good today, you look naturally beautiful!’  I smiled in silence.  The bathroom use to be a place of torture for me.  For the better, (or worse!), part of the last 10 years I have not been myself.  I could hardly make eye contact with myself in the bathroom mirror just 3 short months ago before my full permanent recovery began.  

Today my skin looks youthful, my eyes sparkle, my hair shines, my smile is genuine, my arms are toned, my breasts are full and my dimples dance on my luscious cheeks.  

I am a woman; I am a gorgeous woman.  I feel alive and my heart is opening.

When looking into my sparkling hazel eyes I see the real glowing Wolfe in me.  Wolf; defined as wild carnivorous, largest mammal of the dog family, living and hunting in packs.  Native to Eurasia, North America but has been widely exterminated.1  The Spiritual Wolf definition includes, “The Wolf offers some of the most striking animal meanings in the realm of spirit animals. The power of the Wolf brings forth instinct, intelligence, appetite for freedom, and awareness of the importance of social connections. This animal can also symbolize fear of being threatened and lack of trust. When the Wolf shows up in your life, pay attention to what your intuition is telling you.”2

These past 10 years I have been a ‘Lone Wolf’.  Isolating myself, I was struggling and disengaged from my pack.  Instead of following my spiritual Wolf instincts I coped with life by battling an eating disorder; My ‘Madness’.  A deathly grip of anorexia & bulimia took over my body, mind and true Wolfe Soul.  In this time My ‘Madness’ or ‘The Big Bad Wolf’, if you will, hated and tortured me through physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse in so many ways, shapes and forms it sickens me to think about.  Shrunken away to nothing, I was afraid to ask for help or reach out because I thought it would look like I was ‘Crying Wolf’.  I lost trust in myself and my Wolf Pack.  I felt threatened by any human contact; life was just easier to be alone.  

So I continued down a destructive path by building my self-hatred, depleting my will to live, killing myself slowly.

Part of my true Wolfe Soul has kept me alive.  The qualities of appetite for freedom, intelligence and strong instincts have always been there; they have just been in a fog.  I always knew I could permanently fully recover from my eating disorder.  My intuition led me to Lauren Cowne’s Healing for Eating Disorders website. 3  After numerous visits to her webpage I finally found the courage to reach out to this amazing woman.  I spend hours watching her videos, reading material and downloading any information available; I then made the decision to set up a consultation with her.  This was one of the hardest and best choices I have made.  She is currently helping me through a recovery coaching program tailored to my needs.  With this guidance, shift in mindset and behaviors my real wants, needs, loves, passions and ability to identify them are surfacing naturally.  

Words cannot commend this woman’s knowledge, love and passion for what she does and how she has positively impacted my life.

Curiosity has led this Wolfe to the safe, relaxing place of downward dog over the past 7 years.  I had an inkling that I should attempt yoga and I thought if nothing else it’s exercise and would stretch my muscles after a run or workout.  Over time I have learnt and am continuously learning how much more beneficial this enchanting practice is.  Yoga is not just about the physical aspect and a lot of people don’t realize that, much like myself in the beginning.  This lack of understanding positively correlates with eating disorders, as it is not just a physical condition.  They both have dimensions on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels.  Opening up to understanding all of these dimensions blossoms into pure elegance.

My first few months or maybe even year of yoga was laughable.  

I could barely get through a 30 minute DVD practice without checking my phone, seeing dust and end up cleaning the whole house, laughing at myself, chasing my dogs around the house, attempting to multitask, negative thoughts & discomfort just to name a few distractions I created.  Your classic Type A personality in full tilt; have no time, have to have everything done yesterday, twice as fast, twice as much, and two times better that everyone else.  I could not lie through a 3 minute savasana, looking back that is probably when I needed it the most.  I wouldn’t allow myself to just be in savasana (relaxation pose) because I thought it was a waste of time, I wasn’t working or achieving something physically and I didn’t deserve it.  These concepts were foreign and hard to understand but I knew there was something behind it, I just held back.  This is all coming from a number, weight, calories, distance, reps, speed, ranking, minute miles and spreadsheets kind of a woman.  I was so used to measuring everything, especially when it came to exercise, food, weight and body image.  

When starting my yoga practice I had self-doubt and thought other people would be judgmental of me. 

Yet I kept showing up, not all the time, but sometimes, and a little at a time, and more and more time and time again.  I am so proud of myself for having the courage to seek out my curiosity for yoga and the strength to stick with it as I knew there was something deeper about yoga for me.  I had misconceptions about yoga; getting into certain poses, the mental, emotional, spiritual benefits, positive radiation, feeling of acceptance, community, unity, calmness, relaxation, grounding, centering, mindfulness, meditation, breath, healing and awareness just to name a few.  I had no idea there was so much to it, and I feel like I am just starting to learn a small part of it.  I didn’t realize that all of these glorious qualities would benefit me as a person, and a recovering Wolfe. 

My eating disorder flipped my world upside down, now I am strongly smiling upside down in different yoga poses bringing some clarity, balance and new perspective into my life.

 Bonnie’s Yoga Headstand Contest — Click here to enter for your chance to win a FREE Academy Membership

I came across a yogi and DVD series that I became very intrigued with and that’s when yoga started to click for me.  My own values, beliefs and zest for life seemed to align with Eoin Finn, Blissology yoga and their life mission.  I bought several of his DVD’s, checked out his website and have been following him and his Blissology lifestyle since 2009. 4  Over these years feeling unsettled a lot of the time with different life events I would come back to one of Eoin’s yoga practices.  Whenever I did I always seemed to feel better; even doing 20 minutes of his yoga.  There is such an accepting, feel the world, life, love and goodness aura about this Blissology life mission.  The feelings created a spark of faith that kept me going.  My confidence finally got me to my first yoga studio in the later part of 2010 and it was like a whole new world opened up.  I connected with my first teacher and took private lessons from her to better understand yoga, meditation and breathing.  

[Yoga] felt weird at first but with time and understanding it starts to become magical.  Just like my eating disorder recovery.  It seems weird or awkward then once you understand more about it you realize it is a gift and it is creating a miracle.

Understanding and getting yoga and all the aspects just cannot happen overnight, just like my recovery can’t.  I am blessed that I have been able to attend many different yoga classes, studios and instructors over the years.  However, something always seems to call me back to Blissology and Mr. Finn.  When I first heard he was visiting my home town, Saskatoon and that this would be his first visit to the province of ‘The Land of the Living Skies’; Saskatchewan, I was amped; and that is an understatement.  I had the pleasure of meeting my favorite yogi guru in October 2013.  Love, music, sweat, dancing, yoga and a token of nature we each brought to the workshop filled the atmosphere.  He was such a cool cat, his presents and joyful spirit electrified the studio I was grinning ear to ear the whole time.  I had to get my picture with him, an autograph and purchased another DVD for myself and one for my Mom as a gift to share this yoga.  Eoin also gave me one of his happiness maps, just because.  Thank you Eoin, you made my day.  A poster of the Blissology manifesto.  I framed my happiness map and it is hanging in my work out/ yoga room along with my vision board, marathon finish line pictures and yoga photographs from traveling.  

Bonnie with her yoga guru, Eoin Finn

It is my motivation and inspiration space to lift me up if I am down or fill me with gratitude when I’m already up. The whole experience I felt incredible but one moment stuck out as it made the hair on the Wolfe scruff of my neck stand on end.  Eoin spoke at the end of practice and had us all howl like Wolves.  My eyes watered and my heart fluttered, I felt accepted and free for a moment.  I howled and howled and howled like never before.  I felt like I was in my Wolfe Pack.  I just kept smiling and howling not caring how crazy I looked for the first time in a long time.  I later read Eoin’s post about the Wolf howl and its significance. 5 

“…At the end of yoga classes, I always honour the sacred sound ’Om’ from traditions past. It honours the vibration of peace and calm of our innermost soul. As unorthodox as it sounds, I often we also end class with a wolf howl. When wolves unleash their cry are they celebrating or lamenting? Is it bitter or sweet? I am not sure but I know that even the most domesticated of us all in will join in when we hear it.

In our teaching training courses I like to tell this story because I feel that our job as yoga instructors is to do what artists, poets, and priests do; to remind us of the great truth that to cling only to sweet as our only form of happiness is a trap. Sorrow teaches us about love and even bliss… if we let it. Ultimately, we can’t share the light if we aren’t cracked open.” 5 

Eoin Finn Blissology

It just keeps getting a wilder kind of wonderful.  I now end my yoga practices with a Wolfe howl of my own.  It’s my roots; my family name.  I was born a Wolfe to my Wolfe Pack.  It’s my acceptance, freedom and love calling to my Blissful Wolfe Soul wherever I am at in my life.  It also connects me back to Blissology yoga where I feel safe, loved, accepted and free to be me.

I am still learning and growing using tools from many mentors and teachers over the years.  I am doing my best every day to embrace where I am in this moment in both yoga and recovery, because we will never have this exact moment back again and it truly is a beautiful life.  Yoga has guided me with positive life style, body image acceptance, patience, healing and self-love.  My body is beautiful, strong and irreplaceable.  Yoga makes me deal, feel and heal.

I am a believer and I have faith.  I am different, unique and special.  I am ‘widely exterminated’ just like wolves.  I am a rare breed. I am Bonnie freakin’ Wolfe and I am proud of it.  

Yoga is spiritual and healing to me; it is my place of peace, understanding, acceptance, growth, and happiness where I can be me.  

I have had an infatuation and curiosity for this majestic sport, spiritualism, culture and mindfulness since I started in 2008.  There has been several times I have thought and planned to pursue a yoga teacher training abroad to fulfill my desires of yoga, self-love, growth and travel.  I have always talked myself out of it as my fears would kick in once I got too close.  

I have not only found the strength to go after full permanent recovery, but also the confidence to start pursuing my dreams.  

We all bring things into our lives without realizing it at times.  We manifest it.  The power of thoughts and actions is astonishing if you stop and think about it.  By thinking and acting positively, surrounding yourself with positive people and experiences is going to bring positive aspects into your life.  The same goes for negativity.  The other day I had an Ah-hah moment when looking at my dresser.  I see it every day.  On my dresser is a Blissology card with Eoin’s personal note he wrote to me when I met him last October at Earth Body Yoga.  It reads,

“Dear Bonnie, Happiness is best when shared!” -Eoin

Above my dresser is a canvas painting from Bali of the ocean and beach in Bali.  Since the day my boyfriend gave me this painting it has hung in my bedroom above my dresser wherever I was living.  This upcoming May I am traveling to Bali, Indonesia to take my Yoga Teacher Training with Eoin Finn and the Blissology Crew.  I have been bringing this into my life since 2009 in a variety of ways doing it consciously or not and now I am going to experience more of it.

There is no perfect yoga pose, or perfect eating disorder recovery path.  I am perfectly imperfect and I love all of me.  I am recognizing my past as an opportunity of growth, living in the moment for today’s pleasures and look forward to the journey that will unfold ahead of me.

Now I am beaming looking at myself in the mirror singing out loud, “I am natural, healthy, whole and sound… I am naturally beautiful when I am my authentic self… I am simply creating a natural, blissful and balanced life with confidence!”  Recovery and yoga are a perfectly paired gift and I am honored to be on this journey.  I am starting to live My BlissWolfe life mission manifesto.  This Wolfe just got a lot braver and stronger.

image of eating disorder recovery coach

Blisswolfe Manifesto!

Hooooooxoxoxowwwwwllll & Namaste

By Bonnie Wolfe

References

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/wolf

http://www.spiritanimal.info/wolf-spirit-animal/

http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/academy

http://www.blissology.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/eoin-finn/how-to-love_b_4399330.html


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